It has been some days now, and I struggle with an un-quiet mind. My dearest and I had dinner out with a neighbor couple last night. We met at a restaurant. There was wine consumed. I didn’t drink that night. This was a first social engagement with this couple. We had spoken casually while passing on the street with our dog. But nothing more than that so far. Now we’ve broken the ice.
Secretly, a small part of me has always wished I was friendly with all my neighbors. Like you see on TV shows and all that. Or like other people I’ve known have been. My wife, in her lifetime before me, has had those kinds of relationships with her neighbors. But the fact is, for me, I’m just not that kind of neighbor.
But I was sociable last night. I made small talk. We talked about them and so on. I hope it was not written on my face, that I
wasn’t really sure I wanted to be there, that I thought he was loud, and that I wasn’t nearly interested enough in their stories or in them. I hope they couldn’t tell any of that. I hope they had a nice time. I was relieved when it was over. I just wanted to go home.
I wonder why that is. Why couldn’t I relax and just be? Why did I mentally pick them apart? I don’t know. I can’t help but think, I just don’t need to know people. I just don’t need to socialize with my neighbors. I try to look at the situation through a Buddha filter.. How would it be different if I were a successfully practicing Buddhist?
And how does that work? Not well, except in the fact that it exposes my complete lack of knowledge about it all. Let’s take a moment to look at the Eight Fold Path (which I am totally new to, but intrigued by!):
1. Right Understanding
2. Right Thought
3. Right Speech
4. Right Action
5. Right Livelihood
6. Right Effort
7. Right Mindfulness
8. Right Concentration
Wow…there’s a lot there! So much to learn. But that’s why I’m here! Let's pick it apart for a moment and see what's what.
1. I was not in the moment enough to attain right understanding.
2. I was not able, for the most part, to attain right thought. ( I know because I thought negative thoughts)
3. My speech was probably fairly right, if not totally. I was polite, kind, etc.
4. Right action... Not sure on this one. I just sat there and ate dinner.
5. Right livelihood? Not sure if this applies in this setting.
6. Definitely failed on right effort, as the only effort I expended was to be polite.
7. Also failed on right mindfulness, as I don’t think I was mindful at all.
8. There was no concentration, except trying to concentrate on conversation I was not interested in.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not beating myself up. I see it as a learning experience. If nothing else, to learn how little I know, how much I have to learn. A lot of the learning I have to do, want to do, seems to come down to letting go… letting go of wants, desires, longings, cravings, and so on that are harmful to me.
One way I sometimes look at it is this: Nothing really matters, unless we say it does. So I’ve got a lifetime of habitual assignment of things mattering, when they really don’t. LOTS and LOTS to let go of!
Thanks for reading. Love to you, love to all.
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