Work, work, work… blah, blah, blah… More candy, more munchies, more tedium eatium! Hahaha. That’s my new phrase… because I eat in a lame attempt to counteract the incredible boredom and tedium I feel in my job. Tedium Eatium! Ta-Da!
Meanwhile, what am I not learning in this moment? Well, I’m not IN the moment, that’s for sure. (Wait, let me get some M&M’s before I continue.) I struggle to find meaning in my life, in the world… All the while, so busy looking, checking my phone, and so on, that I miss the moments I am in. Maybe it’s nice to just sit at my work desk and lose myself in the music while I crunch the boring little numbers on the screen. You know what, that may be the case, but…
I am SCARED TO DEATH to stop looking and wake up 25 years from now as an old crippled man who’s spent his life working these stupid little numbers while his
dreams slowly shriveled up, turned to dust, and blew away on the breeze. I feel like I’ve wasted the last 30 years of my life, and I don’t want to waste the next 30. Let’s face it, I’ll be lucky if I’m in good shape even 20 years from now. What the hell!!!
(Damn, just did it again, couldn’t resist checking my phone!)
So, yeah, I fantasize about doing all those crazy things I feel in my heart. No, not drinking and partying, I mean splashing wild, bold colors all over a canvas the size of a car; welding all night because I’m deep into a creative groove, wandering through the woods all day, getting nothing done, just because it feels so doggone right, paddling my kayak out into the darkness until 2AM. But are these things I can do now? Here? In my current life?
I don’t know. My instinct is to say no. But in my heart, I feel as though I could get close. I could certainly do some things that are more like these things right now, in the life I have right now. I may not be living in the area I want, but I can still do things in the little space that I have. Many have done so much more with so much less. Hmmm... that sounds like a quote...
“If you think you have so little, remember this: Many have done so much more, with so much less.”
Yeah, that’s me, I just made that up. It’s cool... because it’s true.
So, here’s an example of how my day goes. I’m taking a few minutes while at work, at my desk, to write this. I’ve got my ear buds in because there are a number of people working nearby and sometimes they like to yammer on and on without thinking about disturbing others. And I’m over-sensitive to that. And while I write this I feel good for a few minutes. But I also made a deal/promise/goal at 1:00 today, just 19 minutes ago, after putting away my most recent snack, that I wouldn’t eat anything more while I am at work today.
UGH! Why did I do that? Because I’m sick of doing that to myself. It’s not like I don’t get enough to eat in a day, believe me. And where I work, I can snack at my desk all day long and nobody gives a crap. In fact, I work in one of those departments where there is almost always something laid out for snacking by anyone who wants it. OY!
Meanwhile, back to the ‘getting a life’ thing. Please don’t get me wrong. I am blessed many times over. I have a loving wife, a home, safety, security, bills paid, money for food, shelter and clothing. But once those things are taken care of, one needs must find that higher purpose or calling, higher than simply feeding oneself. That’s what I seek.
Note: It’s 1:59 and I still haven’t gone back to the snacks. And I only checked my phone once. Hey, baby steps! Baby steps! One day at a time. Hell, one MINUTE at a time! I remember thinking once when I was reading about simplicity and so on, that the change to a better life is made through a hundred decisions every minute. Really. That’s what it boils down to. (I probably read that somewhere)
Speaking of decisions… it’s now been an hour and twenty-eight minutes, and I’m on the verge of collapsing. My resolve that is, not my body. The various annoyances here at work get me so fired up, I want to scream or shout at someone, everyone. Instead I have a tendency to reach for some munchies. I mean, hunger-wise it would be easy to go without eating for hours. I just don’t feel the need, on a purely physical basis. But Eatium-Tedium is an emotional eater's game, let’s face it!
It’s 2:46 and I’m making deals with myself. “If I wait until 3:00, I can have some chips, or some other something. But not until then!” Well, that’s 2 hours short of my goal, but it’s also 2 hours longer than usual. Let’s face it, I suck at this, and work sucks, and so on. It would help if I had something interesting to work on I suppose. But mostly I work in a place where they can’t get their respective heads out of their respective asses. Phooey.
3:05 folks! It’s SNACK TIME!!!!
I’ve spent the last ten minutes, maybe more, totally lost in thought with a cool idea for a welding, sculpture kind of project. Very creative, but here I am stuck at work for another hour plus. Can’t wait to get out of here. And then we’ll see if I get to it tonight. Eat, Weld, Sleep, Repeat. You heard it here first folks. But first I have to mow the lawn. No, I don’t HAVE to, but if I do, then I don’t have to deal with it this weekend, at all. And that’s a nice thought.
So, if it doesn’t rain, I’ll mow first when I get home. Then, since I’ll be all sweaty and dirty, maybe I’ll go straight into the shop and do some welding. Heck, maybe I’ll include a picture of whatever I get done. It’s of a sculptural nature, but nothing extravagant or awesome. Just simple and fun I hope. Simple being the key word, since I don’t have lots of time lately. Ugh.
Well, I got the mowing done, but that's all. I have a plan though. This weekend will include both welding AND kayaking! That's a good weekend. I can't wait!
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